Wedding of the century passes with a hitched

The nups are finally over and she is a married woman.

I keep forgetting about the name change and start to call her Bate, only remembering at the last minute.

And as LOML’s surname ends in ‘ickham’, she ends up being Mrs Beckham as often as not.

It’s fine – LOML does indeed look like a famous footballer (Les Dennis has been known to kick a ball about now and then, I’m sure). And Bate is working on her pout.

The wedding was glorious, despite the numerous stresses of the past year.

The bride was scrumptious, the groom was less egg-like than advertised and all guests behaved themselves – well, no punches were thrown at any rate.

the fact that her betrothed’s middle name was Keith appeared to have been carefully hidden, and was greeted in church with very ungodly cackles of laughter. Each time the vicar mentioned it, in fact. And that was several times.

You could see the Rev, evidently enjoying his rapt audience, thinking up ways to insert it a few more times in the wedding service.

Fascinators bobbed atop glossy hairdos as the crowd guffawed, and Bate snorted into her bouquet as she pronounced her undying intentions towards Ke-hee-heith. Diaphragms loosened by all the belly laughs at LOML’s expense, the hymns – accompanied by the vicar on guitar – went rather well, I thought.

Bride and groom were toasted, then roasted in the after dinner speeches, which revealed a host of unfortunate doings in their past.

In the evening, everyone entered into the reception spirit - with dislodged hips, bruised toes and cuddled suits of armour abounding at the historic stately pile, while various giant stuffed creatures –a dancing bear, a crocodile, a lion and a multitude of moose – watched proceedings with glassy eyes from their plinths.

Bate and LOML have gone to Cornwall, and I am assured this will proceed amicably, with neither mishap nor mischief.

Only the cynical would suggest watching this space...

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