The photos are back - and it appears I have married Louie Spence

I don’t look like Audrey Hepburn despite thinking I did as I waltzed up the aisle and even more so after sparkling with our guests after several glasses of brandy (large) as the day progressed.

In some pictures I think I look OK, in many I think I look awful. I love maybe three or four – however in those LOML looks BAD.

I mean, there are pictures of us walking from the church to the house where I think I look cute, but the LOML seems to have adopted a camp gait and looks more like Louie Spence – famous dance expert – than my ‘rock God’ hubby (chortle).

Anyway, I have moaned to one of our photographers about my face in the pictures and he says that sometimes a photograph will not give a true reflection.

He went into some detail while my brain went fuzzy, but I did pick out that a larger lens will flatten and widen the face, which can make ears look further back or the nose bigger (for the record my ears are perfectly formed and my nose is completely fine). He mentioned other stuff but all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, since Saturday we have been poring over the 695 pictures, debating on which ones are in and which ones are out.

And of course, this has given us something else to disagree upon. He says he likes a particular shot but when I point out that my head resembles the moon and I have a missing chin, he just says: “You look beautiful.”

At which point I turn from serene wife into fish wife and rant: “You mean I ACTUALLY look like that? I do not look like that. You are mistaken.” And then I stare in the mirror for several minutes assessing my face.

We descended upon some of our relatives on Sunday, who arrived from Australia en route to Portugal that day.

Despite not seeing them for 14 years, the LOML and I managed to take up 26 minutes of our half-hour together looking at 80 of our 695 (my Dad insisted that we showed them off).

They both remarked that I look like Audrey Hepburn in some of them. I like my Australian relatives a lot.

Then Dad piped up: “Show the video clip of the singing vicar.”

I am sure we saw our relatives eyes almost roll out of their heads, but they were too well-mannered to say anything. Then Dad turned into an excitable six-year-old when he saw himself and squealed: “There I am, there I am, look, look.”

Anyway, we have now trawled through the photographs 12 times to choose our final 140.

To the LOML’s untrained eye, he thinks all the pictures are fantastic – waffling on about context and depth of field (like he has a clue).

I on the other hand, have what I like to think is an “eye” for such things. This is why I will be choosing the final ones.

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