I AM lying on the sofa watching my feet swell right in front of my very eyes.

It’s not funny... I am in two minds about whether to hobble to the doctor, but I can’t, it’s Sunday.

I took the dog for a walk two hours ago and wore sandals instead of my wellies, which isn’t that unusual given the heat.

However, on my return my feet started to itch like crazy, then my toes tripled in size, now both feet are swelling and turning red.

My annoying friend has turned up for a cup of tea – he uses my kitchen facilities as a pit stop in between cycling to Bournemouth beach from Salisbury – and he is not in the least bit sympathetic about the feet situation.

“Oh they are not that bad,” he said. “When I was in France last year I was attacked by mosquitoes and my hand swelled so badly that I should have gone to hospital, but I didn’t. I was man enough to cycle to Cannes.

“I could have got septicaemia. If you do you will still survive but they will amputate your feet and you will be left with two stumps,” and he laughed at his own joke for ten minutes.

“You have either been bitten by something on your dog walk or you have gout. You’ve probably got gout.”

The Teen came to have a look – just to laugh, you understand.

“It serves you right. Do you remember when I had that terrible allergy and you almost made me go to school?”

You see, when the Teen was little she made a bird seed cake at a Children’s Circle group. On our way home she ate it.

The following day, the Child began complaining of itchy hands and feet. I bundled her in the shower – thinking that cold water on said digits would relieve the itchiness.

Because was wasn’t too keen on school in those days, I ignored her complaints that her hands and feet were swelling, convinced it was another tall tale aimed at school avoidance.

It wasn’t until I tried to cram in her feet into her school shoes that I realised that she genuinely was suffering.

Of course, I rushed her to the doctor - with the bird seed cake. I was convinced she was allergic to Trill.

The doctor tried his hardest not to smile as I showed him the cake and told me the Child was allergic to penicillin – which she had been on for several days for tonsillitis.

I have now daubed antihistamine cream over my feet. They are still swollen and now they are a ghostly white as well.

Dear God. I have a busy week ahead and need to be able to walk.

On the other hand, I suppose this could be the perfect opportunity to put my feet up and have a nice little rest.

Perhaps I’ll stick to wearing minimal footwear from now on.

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