IT’S suddenly hit home that I am middle-aged. I have acquired a hobby.

Découpage.

I know that the years have caught up with me because I have abandoned my dreams of becoming a famous artist with my emotive and frankly brilliant sculptures, namely The Barbie Doll Massacre (a piece set to challenge gender stereotypes) and The Brain (a vivid piece revealing the complexities of the human psyche) in favour of sticking bits of paper to battered old furniture.

If it doesn't move – découpage it. That's my new motto.

There is nothing that fires up my heart more quickly than a visit to a craft shop. Even the half-naked builders working on the development opposite my house cannot compete with my new-found eye candy.

Oh dear, I am so sad.

The thing is after a three-hour découpage workshop, I consider myself an expert in the field, so much so that I will soon be renting a space to showcase my stuff.

Deluded? Whatever!

Fortunately my friend, who is a professional seamstress, is taking it on with me and she won't let me get too carried away.

Anyway, I am currently renovating several old, wooden school chairs, which I am halfway through, so I had better go before my glue dries.

My second favourite shop is now a “local store” in Ringwood. The nice young man behind the counter asked me for ID on Sunday for cigarettes (I think you have to be 25 these days not 16).

I blurted out my age and he said he “couldn’t believe it”. Hurrah.

The only form of ID I could find was my press card and even he agreed that I looked older in that picture than in real life.

“You have made my day,” I said and skipped out, beaming at all the people in the very long queue who were staring at me, clearly trying to guess my age.

And the even better news is that taking up a hobby can take years off you.

So, by my calculation, I will look about 14 in ten years' time.

Brilliant.

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