I KNOW I am back in England because I am freezing and I have a hangover.

I didn’t get hangovers when I was on holiday because I sipped. But now I am back where high-speed, vertical drinking is de rigueur.

Take last night for instance. A farmer-type invited me out for ‘a drink’ (I think he meant one, but that idea is absurd).

We were sitting in some beer garden and I was almost shivering.

I tried to nurse my half but hay baling, barrel rolling and the top ten things that can go wrong with a Massey Ferguson worked me up into such a frenzy, I was forced to order a double vodka instead, just so I could properly take note, you understand.

Anyway, just as he was reaching his climax about a series 6 cyl radiator or something, the music started.

This served as a distraction and we wandered inside to see what was going on.

The tractor talk had clearly been so riveting I had failed to notice a coach-load of pensioners in leopard print and red lipstick who had rocked up for a boogie.

Imagine my delight when the singer, who was probably a former Butlin’s red coat, handed out about 20 tambourines. I almost knocked over one poor soul in my desperation to grab my favourite musical instrument of all time. Now I like to pride myself on my sense of rhythm and skill but even I had to admit the tambourine idea was a very bad one indeed.

The sound of 20 tambourines being beaten by 20 drunks, 19 who had little rhythm if any, resembled a botched jingle bells rendition rather than a Bon Jovi medley.

It was hardly flamenco.

I was forced to order (beg for – I had already run out of cash) yet another double vodka just so I could drown out the din to concentrate on my own, mostly perfect, timing. Each time I asked for a drink the farmer turned white.

And I reckon he was tricking me with single measures. MEAN.

This sort of thing wouldn’t happen in sunnier climes, I am sure.

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here