Thankful for one last goodbye

MY Dad has died suddenly.

I received a phone call from my aunt to say that Dad had been admitted to hospital as an emergency and needed an operation to save his life.

I arrived just as he was being wheeled to theatre.

His twinkly, kind eyes lit up when he saw me. "I am so pleased you are here."

I rushed to the trolley he was tucked up in. He has never liked the winter cold. He looked cosy, warm, vulnerable.

I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair a million times.

“Dad, I love you.”

“Karen, I love you. I love Will so much. I love Flo.”

I just repeated how much I loved him, kissing his forehead.

He grappled with his oxygen mask and demanded I kiss him on the lips. I did. My tears running all over his face. He could have drowned.

“This is just like a scene from Casualty,” I blurted.

The surgeons who were by his side laughed. I cried.

“I love you Dad, I love you Dad,” I cried over and over as he was being taken to the theatre.

“J....J.....J,” he said.

“What Dad? What? Do you mean Jarvis?”

I thought my Dad was trying to say the dog's name.

I think he was trying to say Janet, the love of his life. My Mum.

I was taken to intensive care where I could be updated. He died 30 minutes later.

If I had arrived 30 seconds later I would have missed him. Missed his goodbyes. Missed my own. I am blessed.

I drove home through the dizzying blindness of tears. Numb.

I didn't sleep that night. Nor the next. My brother Will and I have had to grow up.

When I recounted events to Will, he said: “So your actual final word to Dad was Jarvis?”

“Yes.”

We laughed. Dad would have done too.

We don't know what to do really. We are floundering like the fish he made us spear when we lived at the beach hut during those blissful summer holidays.

His box that I had never seen before is a treasure trove of revelations on the depth of his love for me.

I want his body to be launched in our old boat Mr Gramps.

Sadly, I think this type of thing is illegal, there is a protocol, apparently.

So William and I are trying to solve the mystery of his wishes, just like Shaggy and Velma from Scooby Doo.

But what we do know is that it will be Boney M at his funeral. Daddy Cool.

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