Bate in the Wood

I have an image to uphold and I don't want to be seen (not even by the Dog) wearing my pink fluffy dressing gown (a la Onslow) and wellies, fag in hand with rollers in my hair. Classy.

Anyway, the Farmer said he would "help", so yesterday he turned up with his tools.

Just as he started doing something with wood, he clutched his side, gasping for breath and went very pale indeed.

"Oh God, are you alright? Are you having a heart attack?" I enquired as I headed to the medicine cupboard to find paracetamol.

"Aaaargh, I think I've pulled a muscle."

I wondered briefly if the giant was suffering a lack of oxygen, given his lofty height.

"I don't know what to do", I flapped. "Sit down and breathe. Move your body a bit and stretch".

"For God's sake I'm in agony," he gulped. "I can't to ****** aerobics. What are you trying to do to me?" He slumped over the wall.

"I'll take you to A&E, I'll make a flask."

"Just stop talking to me, let me just stand here for a bit. I'll be alright in a minute."

Half an hour later he perked up a bit.

"Let's go and get the posts."

"I don't want to get into your van if you're going to have a funny turn. You might kill me."

I won't tell you what he said next but I just slid into the passenger seat, silent.

We called into his parents on the way and I went into the garage to watch his Dad plane wood for his beautiful rocking horses.

"Wow, they are amazing. I love them."

He picked up a wooden horse to show me but the hooves caught me across the nose. I had been kicked and usually I don't go anywhere near the beasts. Oh the irony.

I wailed, tears streaming down my face and blood gushing from my nose. The Farmer hobbled in to see what was going on (still clutching his side and whimpering) while his Mum tended to my nose.

We eventually made our way to the store where the Farmer staggered at a snail's pace and had to smell the plants for me (as my nose is now deformed) while I single handedly had to lift the posts above my head like a weight to get them into his van.

"Did you see everyone looking at my immense strength."

"They weren't looking at that, those posts look heavier than they are. Your leggings are have gone see-through in the sun."

Devastated.

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