QUESTION: If you are at a dinner party, how do you know which of the guests have run the London Marathon?

ANSWER: You won't have to guess — they don't stop banging on about it.

Please hear me out before you throw your Adidas Supernovas at me.

It doesn't matter if you have hoofed 26.2 miles this year or a decade ago, it seems that the ritual of preening about your long distance feats is almost compulsory.

So much so that I think that what you really wanted to be when you grew up was a Superhero.

Because that what the London Marathon is all about really, isn't it? The Nations Heroes.

Some 37,000 runners took part in the weekends event, many running for their Mums, their Dads, their children or friends, and together, all raising untold millions for charity.

I know that running for so many miles is about sacrifice, selflessness, love and um ego and I would be among the first to give you my heartfelt congratulations - once you have finished doing it yourself.

I have one or two friends who have run several marathons and half marathons between them.

When I bemoan my loathing of the LM, they both accuse me of being jealous and laugh at my wobbly thighs and mock me for turning grey and shaky if I over exert myself.

And then they trill with the same eagerness as a pyramid salesman: "Marathons are the best days of my life. They are AMAZING. You really ought to start thinking about running Bate. Your world will be so wonderful."

(Note: their patter is exactly the same even though they have never met)

1. Well no I don't think it will be. For one thing runners look particularly hideous when they are running. OK so they may start out thinking they look like Beyoncé or Beckham but they finish the race looking like a limping Dot Cotton. Men too.

2. All of them WILL have some sort of horrible injury. Toenails drop off, the constant chafing of skin against textile causes some horrible red burns and then there are the muscular and tendon issues that require serious physiotherapy for years on end.

3. The continual pounding on pavements causes havoc on your face - I reckons it causes collagen to breakdown so you will look horribly aged WELL before your time.

4. You will become addicted to the adrenaline rush or whatever it is and end up biting the bit if you are forced to rest - just like a deranged crack head.

5. And I feel like I have hit the wall after listening to you bleat on incessantly about "hitting the wall." You are boring. Stop It.

So for those who did run in aid of charity, well done. You can dine out on your running tale for several years to come.

As for me, I shall just write a little cheque for my charity and maybe waddle off to the post office for a stamp.

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here