Bulldog back at Bate's motel

He is not an aggressive or dominant boy. No, the former love puppy (accidental son of a naughty cocker spaniel who was caught in a lovers tryst with a black Labrador) is well known for his submissive, gentle and distinguished nature.

You see, Maggie Marshmallow the Bulldog is back and staying with the Teen and me for her annual two week holiday, while my brother spends 14 days in Mallorca, eating ham and drinking copious amounts of Balearis Major (according to his Twitter feed).

The problem is that Marshie, who is five stone and wears a pink sparkly collar, will not leave Jarvis alone.

She is smitten. He doesn't care for the squidgy fat pig though and runs a mile the moment he hears her approach (which is very loud indeed as she has very heavy breathing and I have wooden floors).

And if her paw so much as brushes a single fur on his silky black body, Jarvis growls (which he never does) and slopes off to find solitude.

He has also turned puce that I am sharing my affections and stares at me after puffing his ears out as wide as Brian May's hair.

The annoying cats are faring no better, which is absurd as Marshie takes no notice of them and is so slow that she really is not a threat.

Anyway I thought fat Bernard and thin Milton had run away from home (every cloud) until I saw them coming out of the tent in the garden, which has been erected as further accommodation for the Teen's friends, who seem to be spending more and more time at Chez Bate and frankly make more noise than the Bulldog - thus the tent.

The only time there is any semblance of normality is when we are walking. Marshie transforms herself from cumbersome to athlete as she sprints to keep up with Jarvis.

In fact Marshie has much in common with shot putter Geoff Capes, who despite his giant frame was reputed to be very fast indeed.

However, the pace renders Marshie exhausted and once we return home she clambers onto the sofa and sleeps for many hours, something I am sure Mr Capes didn't do. Well, maybe.

Marshie, me and Jarvis went out for a three hour walk in the woods on Saturday.

Marshie is still asleep.

Its Sunday night. I hope she's not dead.

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