I love my brother's squidgy pig of a dog. But it's like having a toddler

This is Maggie Marshmallow the British Bulldog. She is just 10 months old and already weighs almost five stone.

Marshmallow is my brother’s dog and I am looking after her while he goes on holiday for 10 days.

She is like a big pig. She rolls like a pig, snorts like a pig and snores like a morbidly obese man with a blocked nose.

She is like a toddler. She can’t climb the stairs without supervision, she stamps her little fat legs and makes a very odd noise when she wants lifting onto the sofa (she can’t jump) and so pitiful were her cries last night that I was forced to carry her up my steep, narrow stairs to my bed.

Needless to say, it was impossible to drown out the relentless snoring.

But despite her obvious disabilities, my brother loves her. She has a harness, she has two coats, one of which is a wax jacket (she lives in London so hardly necessary) and she owns her very own carry case of hygienic wipes. Already he has spent untold on preventative procedures to make her breathing easier.

I love her too. I just want to cuddle her. But...

She is sort of pining.

Jarvis is in a mood.

The cats have disappeared.

The Teen, who is in the middle of her GCSEs, has even more reason not to revise now she has a new playmate.

The builders working on cottages opposite my house are bemused.

I am exhausted.

This morning I had to carry the barrel down the stairs before taking her and Jarvis for a walk.

“It looks like she doesn’t want a walk sweetheart,” heckled one builder who noticed Jarvis pulling me in one direction while I was pulling the pig. She stood like a dead weight until I picked her up.

“You’ll hurt your back love,” heckled the builder. “She must weigh ten stone”.

Oh how very droll, tell me something I don’t know. At the very least he could have lent me his wheelbarrow.

Because Marshmallow is more like a stubborn mule, it took me 40 minutes to reach the Bickerley (it is three minutes away, if that).

And on the walk scores of dog walkers and passers-by stopped us, clearly struck by her beauty.

Marshmallow gets more attention than a newborn baby. Jarvis is unimpressed and aloof; occasionally he will have a crazy play with her, before turning sullen. Actually, he is turning green under his black fur.

I don’t know how we are going to make it through the next 10 days. I am going to have to get up at 5am to be able to do everything a working mother, responsible dog owner and fashion icon has to do before getting to work on time.

I thought about getting my friend to walk her separately, a little bit later in the morning but actually, I think I will look for a dog pram instead.

I won’t look ridiculous at all.

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