I SPENT a fascinating weekend delving into the teenage mind… Not my son’s specifically; I was at a conference for parents about the ‘rewiring process’ that children’s brains go through during teenage years and what we, as parents, can expect and how we can nurture and support them and cope ourselves with the process.

It started with a very moving presentation from a father whose son had tragically not made it through the process and had taken his own life (suicide is the biggest killer of young men in the UK today, vastly overshadowing the numbers murdered in knife crime). We learned that the overwhelming majority of young people make it successfully through puberty and that for those who struggle, there is help available. The challenge for parents, teachers and health professionals is telling the difference between those who are growing through challenges, painful disappointments, and tribulations (inevitable in the transition from childhood dependence to adult independence) and those who are overwhelmed by them – to recognise the difference between sadness and disappointment in its most extreme form (which needs understanding, empathy and support) and clinical depression, which requires professional intervention.

The first step for us as parents was to learn what is ‘normal’ for teenagers and try to see how they see and approach today’s complex world. It was a fascinating, demanding and at times, disturbing day of revelations, laughter and tears.

For me, the biggest challenge, was to change my way of thinking. I am by nature a Mr FixIt. It’s my job; I sort out problems. That’s what a large part of early parenting is about. Now I have to unlearn that. I now need to help my son (in partnership with the school, who seem to get this stuff…) gain the ability, strength and resilience to become his own Mr Fixit so he can solve his own problems. I need to move from being a sympathetic problem solver – to becoming an empathic problem listener.

I need to learn to see things from his point of view; to stop trying to give him an adult lens through which to view the world (he’ll have to discover his own himself); set my view aside and learn how it seems and feels to him. I know readers; it’s basic parenting stuff. But I needed reminding. The move from primary to secondary school is not just a challenge for him, I have to move too!

But I also realised, as I left the conference, was that the empathy that teenagers desperately need from their parents, is something that we all need more of; if you’re not sure what to say when you want to help others, maybe it’s best not to say anything – just listen carefully and try to understand how it is for them.

You’re never too old to learn…