Hamster wheels and Polish churners

The annual contest has as many sworn enemies as it does diehard fans.

‘I know you say it’s so bad it’s brilliant – but I think it’s so bad it’s just bad’, as the conversation often goes.

Personally, I got hooked at roundabout the time Bucks Fizz yanked off their big skirts to reveal the little skirts underneath.

Even aged six, I thought they were terrible but for some reason I watched on in horrified fascination.

You never quite know what’s going to happen at Eurovision (although you can be fairly sure our entry is doomed before the first note is even warbled).

This year’s opening act didn’t disappoint.

It was a fairly mediocre song sung by a fairly middle-of-the-road singer. It wouldn’t have been notable at all – except for the man running around in a giant hamster wheel in the background.

We never quite figured out why.

Then there were the vaguely pornographic milkmaids from Poland, the Belarusian singer whose exceptionally enthusiastic dance routine proved lethal to a low-lying camera, Greeks attempting to sing while bouncing on a trampoline, two Russian girls with their hair tied together (we never worked that one out either) and a very ridiculous round piano.

Half the countries sing in English in the hope of gaining more support, but most of the time you still can’t work out what they’re saying.

And even when you do, the sentiments seem to have lost something vital in translation.

“What’s he singing about?” I asked my friend at one point.

“The only word I can hear is cheesecake,” she replied. “So I’m guessing he likes cheesecake?”

We looked it up: “Don’t wanna be your toy boy today... I look over all the maps trying to escape... ‘cos I’m tired of your sweet cheesecake. Ohh….yeah…do-do-do-do.”

Right. Well, maybe singing about dessert wouldn’t have been that odd after all.

The whole Eurovision experience is always greatly enhanced by the presenters. It’s probably a blessing that the UK is too unpopular with the entire population of the rest of Europe to win it, because then we’d have to host and it probably wouldn’t be half as entertaining if we didn’t have to try to work out the whole confusing maze of another culture’s sense of humour.

Saturday’s presenters kept making references to China, putting on Chinese-themed entertainment and talking about the wonders of a country nowhere near Europe and nothing to do with the contest.

Graham Norton was doing the British TV voiceover, but wasn’t much help – he had no idea what they were on about either.

Norton is another Eurovision joy. Taking over seamlessly from where Terry Wogan left off, he is a perfect blend of confusion, amusement and genuinely happy exuberance.

“Oh,” he delightedly exclaimed at one point. “It’s like the gay wedding I’ll never have.”

That probably explains Eurovision as well as anything can.

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